The subject of intimacy takes us into the very heart of the nature of relationships with God and one another. The English word “intimate” is derived from the Latin intimus which means “innermost”. The idea conveyed is one of depth or penetration. Intimate relationships are the opposite of those that are dominated by surface, cosmetic or external appearances. Men and women are called to these deep sorts of relationships, especially in marriage. In relationships of full intimacy there is total participation in the life of another person. Intimacy and defensiveness are mutually incompatible.

Culture and Intimacy

Cultural factors strongly influence expectations concerning intimacy. In western societies it is generally assumed that women are the “intimacy experts” and men their inferiors emotionally. This is thought to be true both of female -female relationships and in marriage. The anticipation is that males will externalise their emotions in side-to-side relationships, such as leisure and sporting activities, rather than share in face-to-face interactions. These stereotypes are not found in the scriptural revelation of the will of God and so are to be resisted. (“Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. 1 Sam 18:1. “Your love for me (David) was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.” 2 Sam 1:26) In addition to this, Christians need to resist the societal identification of intimacy with sex. Sexuality and intimacy may be related but the latter is much broader than the former and a focus on sex works against true intimacy.

Creation and Intimacy

The revelation of God’s presence in creation is of someone who created humanity for continuous closeness. God speaks face to face with Adam and walks freely in the Garden of Eden (Gen 2:17 – 18; 3:8) this signifies close fellowship.  The Word that God spoke to Adam was his own presence in Adam’s heart (Gen 2:17; Rom 10:9), as long as this Word was nurtured by faith it sustained intimacy with God. The nature of the creation of Eve is also deeply intimate; her source is from within the body of Adam and he recognises her as someone who belongs to him by inward connection (Gen 2:21- 23). Man recognises himself through woman and vice-versa (cf. 1 Cor 11:12). This is something that is foundational to true gender identity. The wholeness of the intimacy God continues to desire for men and women finds fullest (including erotic) expression in the Song of Songs. The LORD always sought a face -to -face encounter with his people (Exod 33:11). God, for example, regularly identifies his relationship with Israel in marital terms. Whilst this is the language of closeness, it is usually set in terms of a broken bond (Jer 3:14; 31:32; Hos 2:2; 7).

The Origin of the Fear of Intimacy

The fall of humanity described in Genesis 3 consists in an attempt to find identity in something outside oneself. The trust Adam and Eve placed in the word of the serpent was in someone and something outside of themselves. By defining their lives in this way they lost the indwelling of God which united him to them and bonded them together under his lordship. The fear that they confess and the shame that they feel after sinning reveals that they are no longer the habitat of God but possess a disordered inner life (Gen 3:7;10). Furthermore, their accusations directed beyond themselves witnessed that they were now separated within from one another and from the created world. In a real sense men and women now hide from one another. At the heart level, it must be recognised that if humanity is capable of rejecting God and dying to him (Romans 1:32; Eph 2:1), rejection is possible in any relationship. Human hardness of heart means that even the deepest of relationships, marriage, can die (Matt 19:8). Vulnerability always carries the risk of personal inner pain. This state of affairs cannot be divorced from the wrath of God. If, psychologically, men often fear being engulfed/smothered by women, and women dread isolation from men, this is something God has given people over to in the matrix of fallen family and culture.

Jesus as the Way of Intimacy

Jesus breaks wholly with these patterns. He openly speaks of God in intimate terms. This is most noticeable in his unique use of the address “Father”, but also in the language of mutual indwelling (John 17:21, 23). What flows out of this connection with the Father is an open love for his disciples (John 13:1, 33 -34; 19:26; 20:2). This is a love that recognises his closest friends (John 15:15) will desert and betray him (John 13:21).  Yet in no situation does Jesus draw back from any relationship because of fear. The cross seems to be the great contradiction to this truth of the willingness of Jesus to face pain for the sake of intimacy. He seems to draw back from the cost of the crucifixion in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:32- 42). The cry of dereliction (Mark 15:34) seems, at a surface level of appearances, to confirm the human verdict that intimacy is too costly to risk. This conclusion is a confusion. In reality, at the cost, both Father and Son share in their innermost being the pain of mutual separation. This is not their pain as such, but the pain of the loss of intimacy in humanity’s relationship with God. Intimacy proves its power as inextinguishable love, not in the heights of ecstatic pleasure, but in self-willed empathetic suffering. The resurrection answers to the cross not as a reward for a labour but as the outpouring of love for a person. It is the final demonstration and exemplification of the truth that initiation of intimacy begins with Fatherhood (1 Cor 8:6). In raising Jesus from the dead and declaring him to be “Son of God with power according to the Spirit of holiness,” (Rom 1:4) the Father gives Jesus to know the depths of his Sonship more intimately than ever before.  ”You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness, therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions.” (Heb 1:9).  Behind the great action of the reconciling work of Christ is the passionate love of God for the church. “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy” (Eph 5:26). The church is to be a “pure virgin to Christ” (2 Cor 11:2), a body with a single affection for its Lord. In view is always the ultimate goal of “the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Rev 19:9). The whole course of the Christ’s dealing with his Bride (and so of the life of the church) is a making ready for a holy union of such intense purity that it can never die (Rev 19:7 -8; S of S 8:6). This face-to-face encounter is eternal (Rev 22:4).

Pursuing Intimacy

The pursuit of intimacy involves reversing the loss of intimacy through the action of Adam in the “garden of delight”. Following in the way of the cross, God calls Christian men to take initiative for intimacy in all relationships, especially marriage, at whatever cost. This means a refusal to be satisfied with superficial or side-to-side relationships alone. As we enter more and more into a face -to -face relationship with Jesus (2 Cor 3:12 -18), we are empowered to take risks in deepening our commitment to the women whom God has placed in our lives. This is especially true of the covenant relationship of marriage. The power for this journey of openness and vulnerability comes from the indwelling Christ and the Spirit of grace (Phil 4:13).  It needs to be recognised that the degree of our intimacy with others will be in exact proportion to our intimacy with Jesus. “He who does not love his brother or sister, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:20). If the failure to be free in intimacy arose out of the human condition of shame and guilt, then forgiveness, human and divine, is the key to bold initiatives to be intimate. Where there is a climate free from accusation and blame, where sins are quickly covered by love (1 Peter 4:8) and never judged, men will become leaders in the area of intimacy. This is a stimulus and challenge for us all. Let us encourage one another to move beyond stereotypical cultural expectations and trust in Christ to fulfil his promises of love.

“Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.”