After Adam and Eve disobeyed Him, God called to Adam, “Where are you?”[i]  Adam replied that he hid himself because he was naked.  God then asked, “Who told you that you were naked?  Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”  Adam blamed his sin on Eve.  Then God asked Eve, “What is this that you have done?”  Eve blamed the serpent.  God then outlined the consequences of their sin and sent them forth, distancing Himself from them and all their descendants.[ii]

The rest of the Bible really asks one big question, “Do we want to get free from sin and return to God?”[iii]

Are you listening?

On a Sunday morning I stand before a church congregation as the invited speaker.  I ask, “how many of you know an addict or alcoholic who needs to quit?”  Because my city, indeed my whole country, is in the midst of a drug epidemic, several hands go up referring to friends, sons, daughters, spouses – even parents – of the hand-raisers.  “Is this the fervent desire of your heart, to see your loved-one or friend totally off drugs and alcohol for ever?”  Heads nod.  “So, are you ready to listen carefully to what I say?”  The answer is yes – it’s why they came.

“The first step in helping addicts to drug-freedom is to get them listening carefully – just as I hope you are listening to me at this moment.  I can’t make you do what I want but I may be able to get you to focus your attention on what I say.  As you probably know, addicts have difficulty focusing attention: much of the time they are not really listening to anyone outside their own heads.  To get attention, you gently ask questions.  This helps them focus in order to answer.

“By the way, many of you non-addicts also have trouble focusing.  Isn’t it true that some of you have become so obsessed with your addict’s problems that you can’t really listen to an outsider like me?  You must make up your mind whether or not I am worthwhile before you actually hear what I say.  Is this guy for real?  I’ve tried everything.  I can’t afford any more useless advice.  Right now, for example, I know some of you are only listening with half an ear.  What I say will be filtered and changed into something more acceptable.  The unacceptable truth will not get through to you.  Only the acceptable truth will actually reach your mind.  You see, I know I can help you but only if you really understand me.

Clarifying the question

“Under the circumstances, the best thing I can do is to ask questions.  Do you really want to see your addict or alcoholic get totally free of drugs and alcohol?  Notice, I asked “see” not “make”.  This is something about which you must search your heart.  Please answer honestly: do you want to make your addict recover or will you be satisfied to observe your addict recover?  Must you be the active agent, the one who does the job?  Suppose God chooses someone else to rescue your addict, someone you don’t like?  Suppose you are not needed at all and must step completely out of the picture, do you still want to see recovery happen?  If your whole world-view gets rejected and some other recovery philosophy with which you disagree is the one that works for your addict, is that still OK with you?  Many people would be willing to hand their addict over to another agent, as long as they choose the agent.  But supposing you can’t choose, or even approve of, the main agency through which your friend or loved one is to recover from addiction.  Do you still want to SEE it happen?”

I ask them to search their hearts on such matters because I want them to ask their addicts to search their hearts on similar issues.  We need to know a) how clear-headed is the other person, b) to what extent are they willing to endure the pain of being wrong or irrelevant in order for recovery to happen.  If it doesn’t happen their way (which it may well not), will they still be satisfied or will they inadvertently throw monkey wrenches into the works?

Are you willing to listen to others with whom you disagree at first?  Can you “let go and let God?”  Many co-dependent[iv] persons are willing to sacrifice nearly anything except their control of the situation.  We must get to the bottom of our desire.  What do we really want?  We must be perfectly clear about these longings.

Addicts and non-addicts alike, when prompted to clarify the deep desires of the heart in connection with an issue such as “drugs and alcohol”, tend to become more objective, rational, even Godly and righteous in thought.  Pride and self-pity reduce when we honestly ponder what we really want.  We mitigate fear as we reason with ourselves.  This is what we want the using addict to do with his thinking, and we must be able to do it ourselves.  Then addict and non-addict alike can answer the Big Question honestly: do we really want recovery no matter what?

Let me digress for a moment.  Most of us are deeply affected by famine and miasma in the third world, especially as these affect innocent children.  We pray for the Lord to feed and heal the starving.  Perhaps we donate money to charities.  Then we feel better.  Looking deeper into our hearts, we might ask, “Do I want the Lord to feed the starving just so I can sleep better at night?”  Perhaps, in all honesty, the answer is yes, in which case we’d better admit it, ask His forgiveness and get on with our lives.  If, on the other hand, we have such a burden for starving children that we want to see them fed no matter how it makes us feel, then perhaps we are being called to minister!  In this case, we must draw nearer to the problem.  Yet the closer we get to the real problem the greater will be out natural discomfort.  We must humbly seek solutions, yet finding them may take time and cause more frustration.  Are we willing to pay the price?  Giving money is easy whereas actually feeding the starving is daunting, dangerous, often distasteful work that doesn’t “make the problem go away”.  You need to know what you really want.

And if you want to help a drug addict, you must also know what the addict really wants.  We can assume that the starving want to eat (although in some cases that assumption is wrong) but what can we assume about the addict?  Does he or she want to quit or just to go on using?  The only way to find out is to ask.

Yet hardly anyone ever does!

The unasked Big Question: do you want to quit?

Addicts are almost never asked if they want to quit taking drugs.    Likewise, almost nobody asks alcoholics if they want to stop drinking.  All sorts of other questions get asked.  “Why use drugs, anyway?”  “Why not just quit?” “What about your children?”  “What about your parents?”  “Why not make something of your life?”  “Why waste your talents?”  “Don’t you hate yourself?”  “Can’t you see what you’re doing?”  “Do you ever think about anybody but yourself?”  “What about how I feel?”  “Why not pull yourself together?”  “How about getting a job?”  “Can’t you see I love you?”  “Don’t you know I hate what you are doing?”  The endless list does not include the Big Question; “Do you want to quit?”

Parents beg addicts to quit.  Believers pray hoping God will make addicts quit.  Tears are shed, voices raised, money spent, money withheld, doors bolted, violence resorted to, drugs prescribed, drugs withheld, strange treatments invented.  I know of several cases where addicts were kidnapped; high-jacked by those who love them, to remove them from their drug supply.  Otherwise law-abiding people, who would not think of shoplifting, believe they are perfectly justified in taking drugs and paraphernalia away from an addict: it’s not stealing!    Of course, people on drugs do terrible things and deserve the consequences.  Still non-addicts do very contradictory things to addicts.  They sentence them and then let them go.  They coddle them and then punish them.   Addicts are shunned, cuddled, given into, not tolerated, ordered to leave, told to stay, hired, fired, counselled, rejected, advised and despised – all with the intent of getting them off drugs.  Still hardly anybody ever asks an addict if he or she wants to quit!

Professionals don’t ask

Surely you’d think expert professionals, physicians, psychologists, counsellors and the like, would ask the Big Question, forcefully and frequently, but they do not.  When addicts do hear the Big Question it is usually from another addict in recovery.  Physicians of all kinds, including psychiatrists. seem particularly timorous about asking patients if they want to quit drugs.

One physician who has become famous locally for his innovative use of the opiate-blocker Naltrexone asks his patients if they want to “get better” but does not ask them if they want to quit all drugs even if they feel worse.  He bargains and negotiates with his patients rather than set strict standards and emphasise difficulties.  To his credit, he does ask many of his patients if they want to come off opiates.  When they say no, he urges them to change their minds.  Many agree to have Naltrexone implants that effectively block the opiate molecules from stimulating the receptors.  Few if any of his patients get completely drug-free by his methods. They substitute other drugs particularly benzodiazapines, amphetamines and great quantities of cannabis.

One can major in “Addiction Studies” here in Western Australia, and never hear the Big Question mentioned.  Generally local academics assume addicts do not want to quit and therefore the best policy is just to try to lessen the damage they do.  This is called “harm minimisation strategy” and it is supposed to be more effective than “zero tolerance”, the “tough on drugs” policy.  Neither strategy asks addicts if they want to quit.  Public policy bears no responsibility for those who genuinely want to get free from alcohol and drugs but don’t know how.

In thirty years of drinking and using drugs, I cannot remember once being asked the Big Question.  Either I was not asked or, if I was, the questioner failed to get my attention properly.  Of course, when I was inebriated, I could not perceive the question in any case.  However, I was not stoned every minute and many people who were disturbed by my addiction waited until I was reasonably clear-headed (hung over or hanging out) to tell me so.  Two (successive) wives, three children, at least two magistrates, countless friends, employers, not a few police, several relatives and my parents could readily see I was not in control, that I needed help or correction.  Many of these people cared deeply for me and some had sound advice to offer.  Others were literally worried sick about my behaviour.  Yet none was willing and able to ask me if I wanted to quit.

Not the right question 

Over cups of tea after my sermon I’m talking to the distraught father of a teen-age addict.  He says my talk made him “think”.  He describes his daughter’s behaviour in great detail.  Then he tells me what he’s doing trying to find a cure, taking her places, getting her to do this and that, making her try various treatments, cajoling, pleading, threatening, even tricking her.  Now his daughter may be facing jail.  I ask him if he has ever asked her if she wants to quit.

“Oh yes,” he says.  “Just yesterday I asked her to live with her sister in Sydney to get away from drugs.  She’s thinking it over.”

I tell him it’s not the right question.  If she wants to use drugs, she’ll find them anywhere she goes.  “Have you asked her if she actually wants to get completely off all drugs?”

“I know what you mean.  Oh, yes, I see some signs, mostly small things, that she might be coming good.  And there are still a few things left I haven’t tried yet.”

“But have you tried asking her if she wants to get totally free from all drugs?  Just asking these simple words, do you want to quit?”

“Well I must have, I’ve tried nearly everything.”

“What did she say when you asked her if she wanted to quit?”

“She’s really a good person at heart.  She just got in with a bad crowd.  I’m trying to get her to stay home nights but that’s hard…”

“I believe you.  I’m a recovered addict myself.  My disease made me do bad things.  However, let’s get back to the Big Question.  I don’t believe you have actually asked her if she wants to quit?  Or if you did, she didn’t really get the point.  You may have to ask a number of times in different ways.  Why not give it a try and see what happens?”

Pause.  I have his attention.  But he says, “There’s one thing wrong with your theory, you know.”

(My theory?  I didn’t know I was proposing one.)  “What’s that?”

“Supposing she says no.”

“If she says she doesn’t want to quit, then you wait a few days and ask her again.  Invent a new way of asking the same question.”

“What if she’s lying?  She’s really a good girl but she does lie to me.”

“If you think she’s lying, you tell her so.  Tell her you want a truthful answer.”

“She might be willing to come off the hard stuff but I doubt she’d want to quit marijuana.”

“Ask her.”

“I get what you’re saying.  You think I need to study her more, to know her better.  And I probably need to study up on various different treatments.”

“No – that could be a good idea – but it is not what I’m saying at all.  I’m saying that if you really want your daughter to stay off all drugs, you need to ask her if that’s what she wants.”

“Do you mean cold turkey?”

“Worry about that later.  First find out if she wants to come clean.  When she does, you can have suggestions ready.”

“Suppose she never says yes.”

“That is certainly a possibility.  However you won’t know unless you ask.”

“Thank you very much for your time.  What you said was interesting.” He’s closing the conversation.  “Of course, we all have our theories.  You’re a psychologist, right?  Please believe me, she’s basically a nice person.”

“So are you.  And so am I since I became a Christian.  I just had a disease that made me do bad things.  Are you going to ask her the key Big Question?”

He just smiles.  (The answer is no).  I asked him a question about his asking her a question.  My question did not become his question.  In his mind he is questioning my question.  I can’t really be sure he knows my question or will remember it.  However he will probably remember that he questioned me.

I get the last word.  “If you ever decide to do what I say, give me a call.”

He continues smiling.  End of story.  Still I don’t get discouraged because, now and then, I hear of someone who does pop the Big Question.  The result can be miraculous.  For example, Terry’s Mum – she certainly got it right.

Success story

Terry, from Sydney, Australia, who, at this writing, has been totally clean five years tells, in his own words, what happened:

My addiction cost me around $100 a day and was getting worse day by day,” says Terry.

Then one day I saw a big change in Mum.  She went from being depressed and despairing to being happy and joyful.  She just seemed to shine.  I later learned that she had become a Christian.

I said to her that I would become a Christian later, as I had not finished partying and doing what I wanted to do.

My habit got so bad once I had started on heroin, the year 1996 was a blur to me.

Then one day I bumped into my mum and sister in the street.  I felt crushed to see them holding back their tears as they told me that they loved me.

Soon after the time I met Mum in the street, she asked me if I would like to go to a Sunday School picnic with her church, and for some reason I said yes.

At that picnic I was hanging out for drugs so bad.  Yet I felt so loved by all these Christians that were there.  At the end of the picnic my mum asked me if I wanted to go back to her house and try to give up heroin (italics mine).

At the end of this time, I had to face the music and go to court.  I had been charged with breaking and entering…

Deep down I knew I was going to jail and I did… For the first two weeks I was so angry and troubled until I borrowed a Bible from a cellmate.

I read through 14 chapters of the book of Matthew dealing with the life of Jesus Christ.  As a result my life turned from being in the pit to being filled with joy.  When Mum came to visit me the next day I remember saying to her that I didn’t care if I got out, as I was so happy.

I found the temptation to take heroin coming back as I was still smoking pot…

I was still feeling despondent when something told me to go to Mum’s place.  I remember saying to Mum that I hated my life and that money was everything to me.  Mum read me some verses from the Bible…  Romans 3:10 and 23: There is none righteous, no not one; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

I burst into tears and cried with all my heart.  I asked Jesus to come into my life and change me, and from that day He has.

It has been five years since my commitment and I have been given another chance to life.  God has done so much for me.  He has blessed me with a great wife, and a great job.  He is everything to me.  He is my best friend and never lets me down. [v]

Wording the question

Actually it doesn’t really matter how the Big Question is asked, what the wording is, as long as the underlying meaning is clear to the addict with no compromises.

Do you want to get off and stay off all drugs forever even if doing so is very difficult and painful?

Are you willing now to pay the price to get clean?

One alcoholic asks another, “Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?”  This is well understood to mean “are you ready to quit for good?”

Narcotics Anonymous uses a tiny, low-cost advert, “If you want to use drugs, that’s your business; if you want to quit, that’s our business” with a phone number. Most using addicts have heard about NA.  They know members are off drugs.  Therefore, the advert has a clear meaning “Do you want to quit?”  Every year thousands of addicts answer yes and stay clean as a result.

Even larger numbers get clean and sober at the altar call of Christian evangelists.  To non-addicts the altar call means, “Do you want Jesus to come into your heart?”  But to the addict or alcoholic, it also clearly means, “Do you want to get off drugs and booze?”  Are you willing to get on your knees to ask God to help you stay clean and sober day by day?  

When I finally got asked the Big Question, its meaning was clear.  I have already described how a professor of criminology planted the thought of AA in my unconscious mind.  A week later I found myself, two days dry, staring at shelves of a convenience store on the outskirts of Birmingham, Alabama.  Certainly I was looking for something…but in those days 7-11’s didn’t carry beer.  A man came up and asked me if I was looking for a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thanks to the caring criminologist, I knew that AA’s didn’t drink or take drugs.  Therefore, at that moment, the question meant, “Do you want to quit?”  Two miracles: 1) that I was asked the question, and 2) that I answered yes.  I have not had a drink or drug since that day.

Notice that no matter how or where it’s asked the Big Question is never subtle.  It does not beat around the bush.  The meaning must be perfectly clear to the addict.  The question is not, “Do you want to feel better?” but rather “Do you want to get clean no matter how bad you feel while doing it?”  Not, “Why don’t you quit?” but “Do you want to quit?”  Not, “If you quit, you’d be so much happier” (which you may well not be for starters) but “Do you want to quit even if it is extremely unpleasant to do so?”

Generally speaking, all “why” questions are ineffective. Only the direct Big Question works.  It makes us examine ourselves.

Do you want to quit alcohol and all other mood- and mind-changing drugs? 

Do you want to see someone get delivered and remain free of alcohol and drugs?

Are you willing to ask them what they want?