Marriage, in the Light of Eternity  Darlington Christian Fellowship 19/9/21 Eph 5:21-33

https://www.darlingtonchristianfellowship.com.au/sermons/

Prelude

It is no accident that the primary bearers of New Testament revelation about marriage, Jesus, Paul, and John[1], were single men, because their painful submission to God’s call to celibacy that opened their hearts to ever deeper insights about the final state of Jesus betrothal to his Bride. Whether you are a married, single/widowed, or divorced Christian, we are all on the same journey to glory. A journey which, as Donna testified at one of our children’s weddings, in “never boring” but sadly stands in opposition to the ordinariness that characterises so many contemporary Christian marriages. The Church, by her turning away from the fullness of the revelation of Jesus Christ[2] has miraculously turned the wine of new covenant matrimony into water by domesticating[3] great realities. I recall when as a very young enthusiastic new believer the Lord first spoke to my heart about these things. I arrogantly desired to be one of the 144,000 in the book of Revelation, “who have not defiled themselves with women, for they are virgins. It is these who follow the Lamb wherever he goes” (Rev 14:4)[4]. Then the Spirit rebuked my desire by testifying that such a choice of singleness was his choice alone[5]. Then Donna appeared on the scene, and the rest is history. Before getting to the exposition of our passage I need to take a step back.

The Passage

Even though the original manuscripts had no chapters or verses, most English translations[, like the KJV, NIV and ESV] divide our passage in such a way that 5:22-33 are headed Wives and Husbands. This decision[6] is unfortunate for several reasons. First, the main verb controlling this whole section of the letter [until chapter 6] is the imperative/command in 5:18 “be filled with the Spirit”. It is pastorally disastrous, even cruel, to expect marriages to fulfil the promises of Christ if husband and wife are not Spirit-filled people[7]. A woman cannot submit nor a husband love as Jesus does without Spirit-given power!  The foundational sign of such Spirit fulness appears at the climax of 5:18-21“submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”[8] Mutual submission is a sign of Spirit-filling, for without it we cannot receive God’s grace though gifts given to other members of the Body of Christ, we must be spiritually equipped to receive the fulness of God’s gift resident in our spouse. Going ever deeper, all that Paul goes on to say can only be comprehended as far as we have “reverence for Christ”. Unhelpfully, the literal translation “the fear of Christ” (used in KJV, CSB, GNV, NASB, NKJV etc.) is generally avoided because of the negative associations with fear as a state of terror before wrath[9]. I like the following attempt to bring out the force of what Paul is saying, “Yield to obey each other as you would to Christ.” (New Century Version)

The Context in Ephesians

If, as Paul concludes in 5:32, marriage is a “profound mystery/secret and it refers to Christ and the church”, the minimum context for expounding this passage is the whole of Ephesians[10]. Since Ephesians begins with God’s choice and blessing of us in eternity (1:4), we must start with a vision of marriage that is as grand as beginningless divine wisdom[11] predestined to be made known throughout eternity through the medium of Church (3:10) as the “fullness of Christ…who fills all things everywhere with himself” (4:13; 1:23). Our vision of God’s intention for our marriages can never exceed the revelation of his plan for his own glory in Christ (1 Pet 4:11). We must understand marriage within an exposition (Eph 5:21-6:9) of Christ’s Rule of All Created Realms > marriage, family, household (slaves and masters), culminating in the heavenly places[12]. Throughout the ages (Rom 16:25-27) God is building new creation communities i.e., churches, which embody the triumph of Christ over the tyrannical evil powers presently ruling the cosmos[13]. It is imperative to the divine purpose[14] of these communities that their marriages[15] mature in Christ.

Exposition

Keys to the most profound scriptural insights come in the simplest ways. Our passage is marked by numerous uses of the simple adverb “as” [16] (vv. 22, 23, 24, 2, 28, 29, 33). In most of these cases the comparison is with the role of Jesus (vv. 22, 23, 24, 2, 29) e.g., “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church” (v.25). This points us to the deep truth that the relationship between wife and husband shares the unparalleled intimacy between Christ and his Church. This challenges us to understand the foundation of marriage as a heavenly new covenant order beyond this present creation[17] and calls us to repent of common sense-based experience deductions about the meaning of holy matrimony[18].

That Paul should speak first to the wife in terms of her call in the marriage is a radically counter cultural move. In a way no Greek or Roman could ever anticipate he sees “women [, as with children and slaves] as responsible moral agents.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

This is an extraordinary challenging call. To submit[19] to a husband “as to the Lord” means wives are to choose to be ruled by Jesus through the agency of their husbands. A husband is “head” in the same way Christ is “head” and Saviour of the Church, he is her leader and the provider of things she needs for her own growth and maturing (Eph 1:22; 4:15-16). The way in which Christian women are already responding to the leadership of the exalted Lord Jesus[20] will determine how they respond to their husbands[21]. Paul however never tells wives to “obey” their husbands in everything[22], which would be a recipe for abuse[23]. When Paul says the wives must submit to their husbands “as the church submits to Christ”, this is something we all instinctively know and understand, that our spiritual health depends entirely on submission to Jesus as head. [It is in this spirit, and not by Christian women copying the actual submission of other Christians to Jesus, as if the health of marriages depends on women imitating the very limited submission of congregations to the Lord.] After given women pride of place Paul exhorts the men.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

The command, “Husbands, love your wives” controls this whole section. Not any love is in mind, but the sacrificial love perfectly exhibited in Jesus. Men are called to deny themselves personal privileges for the sake of their wives; an action never advocated in the pagan society of Paul’s day[24]. In Christ, God’s love has reached its pinnacle[25]. On the threshold of the cross Jesus prayed for us, “Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth… 19 And for their sake I sanctify myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth.” (John 17:18-19). As the Church is beautified “by the washing of water through the word”[26] so husbands are called to beautify their wives[27] by praying for and with them and speaking God’s Word over their lives. Husbands and wives are called to be a spiritual priesthood to one another (cf. 1 Pet 2:9), next to the personal ministry of the Spirit your spouse should be the most intimate spiritual influence on your life. Praying together is an indispensable component of our growth into Christlikeness. (For many years this was something that Donna asked for, but I resisted.) The main motivation for couple-praying is to help the covenant partner God has given you be further set apart to His love and service. Instead of working together to fulfil “the Australian dream”, Christian husbands and wives should help one another to put to death all the idols which suffocate our spiritual growth. What stops this happening?…Fear of rejection! I’d rather risk being rejected than create distance between myself and Christ through disobedience.

Knowing that the Church which Christ will present to himself at the End will be glorious and faultless should inspire men to believe that their wives are not sinners whose old habits can never die but women called to keep becoming more and more like Jesus (v.27 2 Cor 3:18)[28].

v.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

The language of “should love” means fulfilling a call to married men God has written in Christ into the structure of creation[29]. As a single person, if you want to go on a holiday you go on a holiday, if you want to spend some of “your” money you spend your money, you decide how to spend your time and so on. This is the opposite of the decision-making process of new covenant marriage[30]. The way a husband loves his wife is to be the perfection of neighbourly love (Lev 19:28).

vv.29-30 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

Somewhere in the middle of the night recently I had a strong sense of how much I esteem and treasure Donna. So, when I could sense she was awake I said to her, “I cherish you pet.” In my earlier days of intellectual idolatry I might have said I “cherished” sound doctrine, today this word can exclusively be applied only to my beloved bride.

Husbands must consider how Jesus cares for his Church and so care their wives. But[31], when I think of the lack of pastoral care and superficial teaching in many churches this presents a huge problem. In other words, it doesn’t appear like Christ cares for his people very well! A public scandal broke out a couple of years ago when a major survey[32] found the incidence of domestic abuse in Australia is greater amongst church going Anglicans, especially biblically conservative ones, than the general population. This abuse was sometimes justified by biblical teachings, and those who experienced such abuse rarely sought help from the Church. Something is deeply wrong when Jesus’ Bride is acting in the exact opposite spirit to how the Bible reveals her Husband. Husbands, if we first of all reflect on Christ’s care for us, we will automatically care likewise for our wives. The way Paul finishes our section exposes what is going on in marriages at the most foundational spiritual level.

\vv. 31-32 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother[33] and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

He quotes from the story of the creation of Eve in Genesis 2:24[34] to explain why a man is so powerfully drawn into a permanent relationship with a woman[35]. The “holding fast” to the wife is a term used for gluing two objects together, but in such a way that the distinctiveness of the two is not lost[36]. Sexual union is included, but something much deeper is involved[37]. This deeper dimension is now outlined in a way we can only understand through the revelation of the Spirit of God.[38]

I recall preaching somewhere about the strength of the ties of Christian brotherhood, when Donna came up to share an old Chinese saying given her by a work colleague. “Brothers are like arms and legs, you cannot get rid of them. A wife is like a shirt, you can change a marriage.” At the time we all seemed to affirm this as “ancient wisdom”. But such ways of thinking grieve the Spirit of God. We ignore the unimaginable anguish that separation-and-divorce brings to couples, families and especially to the ultrasensitive Holy Spirit.[39]

32 This (one flesh) mystery is profound[40], and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church[41].

In divine wisdom God created the world  so there could be a place for covenant, and covenant is the inner reason why God created.[42][43] In other words, the eternal covenant between Christ and the Church is the ultimate reason why God created the world and humanity. [This comes out most clearly near the end of the Book of Revelation in the description of the marriage Supper of the Lamb[44] (19:6-10)]. In Ephesians Paul ecstatically describes the husband-wife relationship in a very distinct way.

He calls it a “great/profound mystery”. “Mystery” in the New Testament is something once hidden now revealed[45]. The apostle does not say we are members of Christ’s Body like the way husband and wife are related to each other[46]. Husband and wife share a union in the Spirit of God as Jesus and the Church share one Spirit. The mystery that Paul speaks of cannot be contained within the bounds of ordinary human experience. By grace the Spirit is just as much the Spirit of the Bride (Rev 22:17) as he is the Spirit of Jesus (Acts 16:7; Phil 1:19)[47]. All Christians are inside this eternal unbreakable covenantal union. To illustrate something of this intimacy of covenantal union let me recount a personal experience[48].  A few years ago very early in the morning I was praying with Donna and could sense in the Spirit that what I was experiencing was far vaster than our marriage,[ its ultimate reference point was Christ and his Church.] I sensed that from eternity[49] Donna had been reserved for me by name as a bride just as all the names of the elect children of God had forever been written in the Lamb’s book of life as his predestined wedding partner (Rev 13:8). This brought me much marital assurance, rest, clarity and trust.

This does not imply that Christian marriages should strive to illustrate the relationship Jesus has with his Bride the Church, but by abiding in Christ we allow his love to radiate through us in the Spirit.

v. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself[50], and let the wife see that she respects her husband[51].

The love a man is called to show his wife comes from his relationship with Jesus, and the respect the man is due from a woman is because the Lord has made this man her husband. These are unchangeable foundations set by the eternal wisdom of God (cf. Eph 1:11).

Conclusion

Every Christian couple is called to testify[52] of a form of perfection that images the cross. The unrelenting all forgiving love[53] of a glory formed through the unique crucifying and glorifying capacity of being one flesh in Christ. Most simply and profoundly mature marriages unveil the mystery of the gospel[54]. However, since the goal of creation is the eternal indestructible marriage Jesus forged though his perfectly sufficient sacrifice, marriages, to grow, [in the wise cross-shaped wisdom of God[55],] will be constantly attacked by evil forces in the heavenly realms[56]. There is however a sure way forward. [Not only for the wedded, but for the prayers of singles/widowed/divorced on behalf of the married.] Wives do not think about your husband, “If only he was…more kind, spent more time with me, was more spiritual etc.”[57]. This only projects impossible demands onto the weak flesh and blood bloke God has chosen to give you[58]. No! Have a clear vision of the glorified Jesus and his path to glory and prayerfully agree with the eternal plan of the Father already working in your husband’s life to make more like Christ the one complete Husband (Rom 8:28-29). Husbands, abolish vain imaginings and thoughts of the perfect sympathetic beauty you need and seek the mind of the Lord for the spotless Bride/Church he is preparing by his Word to live with him for all eternity. Ask the Lord to make your wife like the glorified Church! By faith let’s all step past our fears of failure and any sense of shame in being less than what God has called us to be[59]. Let’s walk  by faith in the all-sufficiency of the Person and Work of Christ. Set your eyes wholly and solely on Jesus, for a blessed marriage is like a triangle with Christ at the head, so the more wife and husband move towards the Lord, the closer they become to each other[60].