Remember
Part 1: Good and Wrong
Personal Matters
Last week I was on retreat in Kalbarri, north of Perth. I anticipated time alone to reflect on the mystery of the Trinity and its implications for the current same-sex marriage debate. These are deep spiritual waters and I soon found myself out of my depth in an unexpected way. Things immediately started to go wrong. On the way up I couldn’t locate my phone, then I remembered some things I had forgotten to bring and within 30 minutes of arriving I had lost the front door key to the unit where I was staying. By the time I was in a consolidated prayer space walking up the river gorges two contradictory trains of thought filled my mind. This article begins as a personal spiritual reflection on my own state of mind, but then will progressively lead on to much wider matters.
Wrong Again
My mind was filling up with many regrets – I could not help but remember things to do with past family life and ministry decisions characterised by immaturity and lost opportunities. This train of thought left me with a strong awareness of wrongness; being wronged and being in the wrong. Instances of people saying, “You are wrong…” came clearly to mind, not with the sense that “You are wrong about x” but more like “You are wrong as a person.” I couldn’t help but think about how the Church can flood people’s minds with such a sense of wrongness; something must be wrong with your faith if you are in poor health, if you are poor, if you have never led another person to Christ, if your doctrine is unbiblical, your devotion is flagging and so on. There are just so many spheres of “wrongness”. Religious powers hold captive multitudes of troubled consciences through memories of failure. I am much more prone to judge church-goers as “in the wrong” than people in the world. Of course all this persistent and powerful consciousness of wrong was itself wrong, so I felt “wrong again”. It all seemed like an ever tightening vicious cycle. No-one likes to feel wrong so we feel we need to be in the right about what is wrong; whether our own wrong or others. ““But the wicked are like the tossing sea; for it cannot be quiet, and its waters toss up mire and dirt. There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”” (Isa 57:20-21). Where there is any sense of wrong the soul is distracted and drawn away, pushed and controlled to put right situations of imperfection (Luke 10:41). Yet these were only half my thoughts on “retreat”.
God is Good
Walking beside the sandy tree lined river bed under the fresh spring sky I was magnetically attracted to the unimaginable goodness of God. In the presence of God I felt no constraint to perform or conform in order to right wrongs, only an incredible love; “we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” (1 John 4:16). Such a space witnesses infallibly to a world beyond this one filled with the pure goodness of Christ (Ps 73:1). Whilst a moment before memory pierced my heart with regrets about past wrongs I felt so pleased to be with the Lord in an inexpressible realm of wonder and beauty (Acts 2:37; 1 Pet 1:8). The sense of stillness, peace, rest and quiet emanating from the indwelling Spirit was exhilarating. Who would not delight in dwelling in the presence of such a good Life (Ps 27:4; Acts 3:15).
Yet, how can these two contradictory states of wrong and good exist together in the same person? Paul speaks of deep opposing forces in his own life, then points us to Christ; “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. ….. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Rom 7:19, 25). If Jesus is the all sufficient deliverer what power is holding me back from a more constant intimacy with Christ?
You Must be Dreaming
The week before going on retreat I had sent an email to the Anglican archbishop in relation to the most recent diocesan Prayer Diary. This email was like a previous one drawing to his attention that the diary was devoid of all references to God the Father. If adults keep addressing the Lord in prayer as “Dear God” this vague, non-Trinitarian label will keep them trapped in spiritual infancy (Eph 4:14). Although the archbishop agreed with my reasoning in the first email and advised the compiler of the diary about this, his counsel to honour the Trinitarian faith had been ignored by this person. Now to the strange dream that took place in the midst of my retreat and how it may be interpreted.
In the dream the archbishop is visibly angry with me concerning my insistence that the Trinitarian faith be defended, and sternly tells me to sit down in my place. In the dream I have a real sense of fear. There is an unidentified advocate present, who in some way, though mildly, intervenes. When I awoke from sleep I was feeling disappointed and downcast with my own spiritual maturity. It was like being under a “heavy sky” (Deut 28:23).
Since the archbishop is noted for his graciousness and theological orthodoxy the dream is in no way real to life. An obvious analysis of the dream is that the archbishop represents God the Father and the advocate is Jesus. This would mean that hidden deep inside I believe that the Father is angry with me and has to be “held off” by a compassionate Christ. The theology of our minds is often more orthodox than the state of our hearts (1 Ki 8:39). If I was thinking like a therapist I would trace all this back to memories I have of my own angry father; but this is not the direction the Spirit led me.
As I was praying I knew that the dream was really about how I want God the Father, and so the archbishop as his representative, to be with those who are in the wrong. I want figures with divine authority to act strongly with discipline, as I would, to put things right. The Old Testament is full of similar impatient convictions; “Righteous are you, O LORD, when I complain to you; yet I would plead my case before you. Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all who are treacherous thrive?” (Jer 12:1 cf. Job 12:6; 27:1-15; Pss. 37:1, 7; 73:3-12; 92:7; Hab 1:13; Mal 3:15). For me to want the Father to discipline his children as I would is a great wrong, I am wrong again. Yet I sense that the Lord’s pointing out my wrongness is a very good thing. Does this mean my conscience will always be swinging like a pendulum between an ever more profound awareness of the wonderful goodness of God in contrast to my own corruptness (Matt 6:22-23)?
Remember
There is only one way out of this snare; “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Rom 7:24). Christ delivers us by reuniting us with the Godhead. Since there can be no good-and-wrong in the absolute oneness of Father, Son and Spirit a deeper union with Christ is our place of healing (Eph 3:16-17). Instead of remembering all the wrongs of life I need to keep on remembering Jesus in ever deeper ways. Remembering Jesus involves a rediscovery of neglected spiritual riches he has given to his Church; “Do this in remembrance of me.” (1 Cor 11:24). This is the subject of the next article.